The Wife
by Poetrysoulchild
Summary: This is my take on events following the wedding had Natalia actually married Frank specifically told in first person via Natalia.
1. Chapter 1: A Trip Down Memory Lane

**The Wife**

Author: Poetrysoulchild / Angie Simone

Fandom: Guiding Light (Otalia)

So this is my first Fanfiction, though I've become extremely addicted to the Fanfiction subculture within these past year. I'm excited to get back to writing and creating this story about one of my favorite couples on TV, Otalia.

Disclaimers: I do not own any of these characters. Though I have taken some lines from the original show, it is only to keep the integrity of some of the scenes and characters. In these cases, I again do not own the material.

*This is my take on events following the wedding had Natalia actually married Frank specifically told in first person via Natalia. Although I vehemently despise Frank's character, I thought it would be interesting to fantasize about the alternate reality had CBS producers and Guiding Light writers not immediately commit to the love story between Natalia and Olivia. In my version, however, Frank doesn't spill the beans (during pre-marriage counseling with Father Ray) about Olivia being the mastermind of all the romantic gestures he pulled for Natalia. He kept that little secret to himself…for now =)

I hope you all enjoy! Side Note: It takes a bit of time before Olivia and Frank show up in the story. I'm taking my time to fill in the gaps of Natalia's life so you get a more in depth perspective of her later choices.

Rating: First round is PG-13

* * *

The Wife

Angie Simone

Copyright October 30, 2014

"Love takes off the masks we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."

~ James Baldwin

* * *

 **Prelude**

Someone once asked if there were no societal pressure, who would we really be? Would we be able to recognize ourselves or would we only then begin to find ourselves? Would we be more willing to allow our desires go undeterred or bask in the simplicity of our lives? Would it only be then, when we could conceive our true happiness or would it be the moment when we realize the weight of all our turmoil?

I never used to think about my life in such ways until now. Since fifteen, my journey has been buried with decisions simply based on how others would perceive me. From the moment I became a pregnant teen, to the instant I dropped all that I knew to flee to Springfield, I fell on the mercy of other's perceptions about my life. Whether it was my family, church, or friends, I have always allowed others to dictate who I presented myself to be without ever really knowing who I truly was. Only now, after reflecting on the awful decisions I've made – particularly in the past six months – have I obtained some sort of knowledge of who I am…more so of who I've become. I feel since, I have somehow forfeited my right to tell you my truth for having hurt so many in the process, yet the need to tell my untold story is most evident. So here it is. I am Natalia Rivera, and here's my truth of how I went from widow, to wife, to adulterer. But first let me begin my confessions with when I was a child.

* * *

 **CHAPTER ONE: A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE**

Chicago 1991. It was the year that I lost my family and the year my whole world changed. I was fifteen, stupid, naïve and very much pregnant. Sometimes when I look back to that time, I can't help but to laugh. Granted, teen pregnancy is not the ideal way to spend your youth years, but I laugh at how much I let circumstances change my life. Laugh at that doting teenager who allowed so many things to dictate how my life turned out. Sometimes I even laugh at how my life would've…could've been.

1991 was also the year I thought I fell in love – operative word being thought. Back then I was this little pimple-faced girl, with poofy untamed hair and enough metal in my mouth to create ample current to light up all of Chicago. My communication skills were minimal at best and the only things I cared for were my grades and family. So when this handsome young boy somehow took interest in me, you can say I responded swiftly, trying to reciprocate everything I thought he was giving. I wanted so much to keep this young boy's attention - to keep him wanting me because I felt that I needed him. Felt like I finally found someone who could make me feel like I was important.

And as you all know, this boy's name was Nicholas Augustino, also known as Nicky.

Now don't get me wrong. Nicky was one of the sweetest people that I've ever come across. But if the relationship had played its course through high school, I'm certain that we would have separated as we went our different ways to college. I knew he wanted to be in the police force, like his dad, and I wanted to move as far away from Chicago as I could. I wanted to maybe study abroad. Maybe somewhere like South America, to gain life experience before coming back and becoming a social worker. We both had two vastly different plans for our lives and it seemed like the natural course of our relationship would have been for our love to fade over time anyways.

But that was neither here nor there. It just took one moment of teen angst to leave me alone in a desolate bathroom staring at a proof positive pregnancy test. Wishing and praying that this was just some sort of twisted Catholic guilt dream for spending too much time with Nicky.

Though, as the minutes past, it was becoming clear that this wasn't a dream. I had been sitting on the toilet in disbelief, wondering how I got myself into this mess. Reevaluating every moment with Nicky. Now wishing that I didn't need him so much. Wishing that I hadn't caved into the pressure of being intimate with him.

More time passed and life quickly seemed to start crumbling before me. Breaths became harder to catch. Tears were uncontrollable and began falling aimlessly towards the ground. The trembling that my body was experiencing was no longer foreign to me. Thoughts of my once bright future were dwindling down to unattainable dreams. I was simply screwed beyond recognition and didn't quite know how to get myself out of this.

For a brief moment, I did let my thoughts contemplate an abortion despite the fact that everything in me was against the idea. However, those feelings of doubt had nothing to do with my religion. Yes, my mother and father had their devout beliefs but I had my own reserved feelings about Catholicism at the time. I was at a place in my life where I wanted to question everything about my worshiping practices. But besides my feelings, it felt like I had no other options. I couldn't, nor did I have a desire to keep this baby. I desperately didn't want anything in my realm to become different, so I strategized and compromised. I came up with ideas of how I could get the money, tell Nicky, abort this pregnancy and keep everything a secret from my parents. I was going to go through with it. I made a plan for it. My life was suddenly coming back together with this abortion being the cure for everything.

That was until, my mother walked in through the bathroom door…

To be continued


	2. Chapter 1 (Cont) A Trip Down Memory Lane

**The Wife**

Author: Poetrysoulchild / Angie Simone

Fandom: Guiding Light (Otalia)

* * *

So this is my first Fanfiction, though I've become extremely addicted to the Fanfiction subculture within these past year. I'm excited to get back to writing and creating this story about one of my favorite couples on TV, Otalia.

Disclaimers: I do not own any of these characters. Though I have taken some lines from the original show, it is only to keep the integrity of some of the scenes and characters. In these cases, I again do not own the material.

*This is my take on events following the wedding had Natalia actually married Frank specifically told in first person via Natalia. Although I vehemently despise Frank's character, I thought it would be interesting to fantasize about the alternate reality had CBS producers and Guiding Light writers not immediately commit to the love story between Natalia and Olivia. In my version, however, Frank doesn't spill the beans (during pre-marriage counseling with Father Ray) about Olivia being the mastermind of all the romantic gestures he pulled for Natalia. He kept that little secret to himself…for now =)

I hope you all enjoy! Side Note: It takes a bit of time before Olivia and Frank show up in the story. I'm taking my time to fill in the gaps of Natalia's life so you get a more in depth perspective of her later choices.

 ****FINALLY: I know it's been awhile since my last post. Been crazy busy with work. But now since the summer is here a have lots of time to spend writing. Which means weekly updates until further notice.**

 **Also, thanks Jamie for the cool reviews!**

Rating: First round is PG-13

* * *

The Wife

Angie Simone

Copyright October 30, 2014

"Love takes off the masks we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."

~ James Baldwin

Chapter 1.2

* * *

When my mother entered, it simply took my breath away. She casually walked in – not realizing that anyone was in the house – while softly talking to herself. It was one of the more endearing things she so often did to remember the endless tasks that needed to get done. In those split seconds she hadn't noticed that I was sharing her space, and for that I was deeply thankful. I sat there panicked and frozen, wondering what the next chapters of my life had in store for me. It didn't take long, however, to find out.

"Oh Mija!" my mother nearly jumped out of her skin upon recognition of my presence. "What are you doing here? Why aren't you in school?" she questioned.

Unsure of my doings, she waited for a response but nothing came in return. The silence grew unbearably loud. I had no answers. Well, at least any answers that I knew wouldn't get me killed. So I just sat. Tears were filling the brims of my eyelids and threatening to fall at any moment.

Within that intense quiet, I could see the array of emotions plague my mother's face. It went from bewilderment, to sadness, to rage and then ultimately disappointment. Her eyes, too, began to fill with tears at the daunting realization of my sins. The sins that had so clearly left its evidence scattered across the bathroom in forms of trash and packaging. She kept silent until she could again form words.

"Natalia, explain." She whispered.

I had nothing left. No more ideas of how to get me out of this predicament. No more fight. No more energy to try and change what seemed to be my destiny. My hopes and dreams were truly quashed from the instant my mother walked through that door. I knew that the decisions of this pregnancy were no longer in my hands. My parents were ultimately going to decide what they thought was best for me. So instead of using words, I just gave her the stick that left me feeling hopeless.

There was a few more lingering moments of silence after mom took the test from me. She had one hand covering her mouth while the other held the results close to her line of vision. Suddenly soft sobs began racking over her body.

"Pregnant, mija?" she softly stated. It was more of a rhetorical question that she used as a precursor to a series of incomplete questions. "When did you…who did…how…Nicky?"

She exhaled an exasperated breath when she saw that I was a useless ball of tears. I could see she was trying so hard to hide the disappointment and hurt, but she was failing miserably. Her eyes were now bright red and the only thing she found herself doing was reaching for the rosaries that she kept hanging on the corner of the bathroom mirror. Every part of her body seemed to be steadily shaking with anxiety. It nearly broke my heart to see my mother in that state, but there really wasn't much I could do to help the situation.

"How could you let this happen?" her tone becoming harsher. "How could you be so stupid!"

Repeated sorries were the only things I could manage to muster up, but to no avail. Mom no longer tried to hide any disappointment or anger. Her words quickly turned into harsh verbal blows as she began belittling my behavior and character. Slut and whore were now her frequent adjectives of choice for her, and still I had nothing to say.

Everything about this situation was catching me off guard. For one, I didn't think I was going to get caught. It was a Tuesday morning and mom was usually out all day gathering the week's groceries and then spending the rest of the day with Tio and Abuelita. I had no idea that she would have been home so early. Besides, my plan to abort this pregnancy was almost in effect. Had my mother come in twenty minutes later, I would have only had to deal with her disappointment about me ditching school. The suggestions of this pregnancy would have been lost in the dumpsters.

Second, I had never seen my mother in such a state. Mom was usually the comforting one out of the parents. Before now, I never really heard her raise her voice even a little to discipline us. With four hardheaded kids, I found that part of her almost admirable. She would always talk her way through any disagreements we may have had with her, or discuss why we shouldn't have done the wrong doings that we had just did. So, as you can imagine, mom not only raising her voice but spewing obscenities my direction was a bit heart wrenching and again something that caught me off guard.

"I taught you better than this! I sacrificed so much for you!" she yelled. "Does Nicky know?"

"Um…" I didn't really want to answer the question. I didn't want him involved quite yet. It would make everything all too real at this point. Also, the last thing I thought I needed was three more opinions about what's going to happen to my body within the next nine months.

"You better answer me, now!" Her voice was now peaking from stern to scary.

"No, ma'am."

"Ay dios mio. God, forgive her for her sins." With the rosaries still in her hand, she began praying on my behalf. "Forgive her, forgive her, forgive her…" she trailed off in light whispers.

Suddenly, everything became calm, a little too calm. Mom was no longer visibly angry. She began picking up all the trash that reminded her of this pregnancy and threw them into a bag that sat near the toilet seat. Her tears began to reign supreme again, and for a short time she just paced back and forth until she stood right before me. I was still on the toilet seat and had yet to move an inch since she arrived. She had the trash and pregnancy test in one-hand and rosary beads in the other. So there she stood, staring me down and for the first time in the past few minutes, I couldn't read her fathomless eyes. I didn't know what was going through her mind, how she felt…if she still loved me. I know, it may sound ridiculous. But seriously, the way she gazed at me emotionless glare, it seemed as though she was actually giving her love for me second thought. Certainly now, having been through a similar experience with Rafe, I know that not to be true. But in that moment, no one could have told me any different.

"I'm sorry, mija." Mom knelt down, facing me as she sat the rosary and trash on the ground before softly pressing her hand onto my face. Within that apology, I believe for the first time, I saw the true beauties that lay within her. She was a woman of true love, especially for her kids and family. Her emotions ran unapologetically fierce through her, a lot like someone else who has recently come into my life…

"For so long, I have tried hard to make sure you didn't or wouldn't go through the same struggles that I went through. I thought if anything, I could have prevented you from enduring life's biggest struggles until you were out on your own. Never would I have imagined…" Not finding the word to best describe what she was trying to convey, she motioned her hands up and down the length of my torso. "…this."

I nodded my head in understanding.

"Lo siento. Please...forgive me mom. I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear. What do I do?" I was clearly begging for a bit of wisdom at this point. Wanting nothing but reassurance from one of the only people I trusted to tell me that everything was going to be ok.

She stood and took my hand helping me off the seat. After retrieving the trash and setting the rosary to its original spot, she told me to follow her into the living room. It was 10:45am and once again, my life felt like it was coming back together. Maybe everything would turn out ok after all.

As we both sat down on the couch, she took me in her arms and cradled me like the baby I once was. She didn't say a word, leaving all her answers within loving touches as she stroked my head. I hadn't realized all the emotions that were built up inside me until the moment mom put her hand on my belly. Instantly, uncontrollable whimpers coursed through my body. At the sight of my cries, mom deepened her hug and tried to kiss away all the fears that I may have had.

* * *

 **TBC: (Again, weekly updates until further notice. Hope you all are enjoying thus far!)**


	3. Chapter 1(Cont) A Trip Down Memory Lane

Disclaimers: I do not own any of these characters. Though I have taken some lines from the original show, it is only to keep the integrity of some of the scenes and characters. In these cases, I again do not own the material.

*This is my take on events following the wedding had Natalia actually married Frank specifically told in first person via Natalia. Although I vehemently despise Frank's character, I thought it would be interesting to fantasize about the alternate reality had CBS producers and Guiding Light writers not immediately commit to the love story between Natalia and Olivia. In my version, however, Frank doesn't spill the beans (during pre-marriage counseling with Father Ray) about Olivia being the mastermind of all the romantic gestures he pulled for Natalia. He kept that little secret to himself…for now =)

I hope you all enjoy! Side Note: It takes a bit of time before Olivia and Frank show up in the story. I'm taking my time to fill in the gaps of Natalia's life so you get a more in depth perspective of her later choices.

* * *

Rating: First round is PG-13

The Wife

Angie Simone

Copyright October 30, 2014

"Love takes off the masks we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."

~ James Baldwin

* * *

I don't quite remember all the things my mother whispered to me as she held me in her arms that day. As much as I try to remember, nothing ever seems to jog my memory. There has been many a day where I wish I could go back and listen. Simply listen, and take in all the comforting words she had to tell me. I wish I had paid a bit more attention to the wisdom she shed upon me that day. Wish I could remember the sound of her voice sending love through her words because little did I know, that would be one of the last few moments I had with her.

It was a little after four when I awoke. I was no longer in the comfort of my mother's arms. Instead, my bed was the only thing there to give me solace in the now quiet room. I was a bit bewildered at first, trying to recollect how I got in the room in the first place. I couldn't remember ever getting up and moving from my mother's embrace to that of my room, but then it came to mind. Mom had urged me to get up and switch rooms before she picked up the siblings from school. She didn't want anyone walking through the front door to see me tear stained, emotionally exhausted and sprawled out on the couch. If she or I could avoid questions and prolong the inevitable for a while, then so be it.

Shortly after awaking, my brother and sisters walked in the house. Although my shared room was in the back of the house, I could hear all of them clearly. Each had something to say about how their day went and how annoyed they were that the teachers decided to give extra assignments and homework before the quarter semester tests. From the sounds of the noisy conversation, no one seemed to question why I wasn't at school all day. And for that, I was again thankful.

Before greeting everyone, I rushed to the restroom and washed my face. I had to make sure all the declarations of my emotions were visibly gone. I then walked out and was welcomed by immediate laughter and smiles as my siblings said hello and continued on with their conversations. Mom was still nowhere in sight – I assumed she went for groceries having not had the time earlier in the day. At this point, it seemed so odd that no one had asked me why I wasn't at school today, but I pushed it aside refusing to question it. I knew things were going to soon change, for better or worse, and I decided to just be in the moment and experience the laughter and love my siblings had to offer.

There were four of us. First there was my brother Victor. He was the youngest and only boy to have graced the Rivera family in 17 years. There actually used to be a running joke that all the Rivera men only had esperma rosa – pink sperm. But now, thinking about it, that joke was clearly something that I shouldn't have heard at the age I did. Then there was Rosario. She was one year older than Victor, to the day. They both hated the fact that their birthdays were on the same day. Shared parties, shared birthday cakes, and even shared gifts when money was really tight. They always said it was like being twins without the benefits of being identical. Next was Sara, pronounced _Sa•da_. She was four years older than Victor and just 11 months younger than me. Although I loved my siblings equally, I had a particular bond with Sara that seemed to always leave me at ease. She would incessantly say how she believed we were lost souls that again found kinship this time around through sisterhood. At times, I would definitely agree. Then there were those times when she used up all my special hair supply, wear my favorite jeans without asking and annoy the hell out of me when I tried to do my homework, that I begged to differ.

Last but not least, there was me. Natalia Carmen Ivana Rivera. Five years older than Victor and the oldest out of the bunch. Until the last 24 hours, I had considered myself a decent role model. I always made sure to help my mom out with the others. Whether it be to make sure they got to school on time – which included wake up duty - homework help or just be there as a big sister. I was always made sure to make myself available for my family - even if that meant cancelled dates with Nicky. Which brings me back to the plight of my current situation.

"Hey you guys! How was school?" I asked as I walked into the living room where all the others had been sitting.

"The Dragon Lady is going to be the death of me!" shouted Sara, referring to Mrs. Patterson, her Geometry teacher. "She knows I don't get Proofs. Yet, like clockwork, she always seems to call on me to the front of the class and have me sit there like I'm an idiot. Always trying to make me figure out questions that I clearly don't know. I. DON'T. UNDERSTAND. IT! Ugh."

A small smile crept onto my face. It was funny when Sara became flustered with school. Her face would turn red and it seemed as though she would get dangerously close to having her head spin, like the girl from The Exorcist. It happened rarely, because she was practically a genius at everything except math, but when it did it was a sight to see.

"Well my day was good. We started a different sport in PE today." Victor added. He had been all too excited for his 5th grade year and had found something cool about each day he attended school. Up until now, school for him was miserable. His Asperger's Syndrome caused him to primarily be alone and without friends. This year, mom and dad sent him to a special school and we've seen him blossom in more ways than one - more friends and more interest in his classes. He finally started showing his awesomeness to everyone, something that we saw on a regular basis at home.

"Really? Which one? Have you officially started kickball yet?" Rosario questioned. "That was my favorite sport to play."

"Not yet. Ms. Granados said we don't start Kickball until after Christmas. Today we learned how to play tetherball like the professionals!" Victor seemed so enthusiastic about it.

"There is no professional tetherball players, Victor" Sara laughed as she was working through her History paperwork.

"Yes, there is! What about Andre Agassi? He's the biggest tetherball player out there!" he replied. Everyone broke out into light laughter.

"You mean tennis player? He's a tennis player, Vick." Sara mocked.

"No. Ms. Granados said he started off playing tetherball."

"Well, clearly you have been misinformed. He's definitely into tennis." Sara's teasing now began to frustrate Victor. He ran up to me hoping that I could resolve this situation.

"Nat. Please tell her I'm right. She's so annoying!" He begged.

Honestly, I don't know where he got his information from because it made no sense whatsoever. Though, in order to ease the tension from the situation I pulled him over and whispered in his ear.

"She annoys me too, sometimes. I just learned to block out her voice so I don't have to listen to her."

Victor put his hands over his mouth and giggled at his older sister who had been teasing him. Then he pulled me back into his space to return a secret. He looked around making sure the others weren't looking. When he saw that all was clear he proceeded to lean in and relay his message.

"Mom said not to say anything, but she said you were sick today. I just want to know if you're ok." Again, I found myself with a slight smile. I knew something was up when they didn't question me about my absence, especially Sara. It also made my heart fill with love when my brother still went out of his way to make sure his big sis was ok.

"I'm fine, Vick." I lied. Nothing was ok, but not wanting to cause worry, I cupped his chin and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

The next hour or so was spent in laughter and catching up on homework. Soon, mom had arrived from the grocery store and began to work on her favorite dish, empanadas. It didn't take long after that for papa to get home from work. It was rather evident that mom hadn't told him anything about the pregnancy. He came in with the biggest of smiles greeting everyone with kisses. He started off with Sara and Rosario raining them with quick kisses on the forehead and then worked his way over to Vick. He had given Vick his usual extraordinarily big hug to make sure he knew how special and loved he was. This was the dad that I loved to see. It seemed as though today was a good day for him.

On occasion, papa turned into someone that wasn't so pleasant to be around. He worked in construction, so there were points when work was out of season, which caused him to drink heavily. He always had the old school thought that if a man couldn't provide financially, then he was no good. So it made those times when he was laid off extremely difficult with his mood swings and all. I will say, mom has done a great job keeping his drinking out of sight from the others. None of the others knew how bad papa would get when he wasn't working. The only reason why I knew about it was because I found him passed out one day. Nicky had walked me home from school, wanting to stop by my house and ask permission to me out that night. Once we walked in the door, dad was on the couch mumbling to himself with a couple of cases of beer surrounding him. It took both Nicky and I to haul him into his room and quickly get the beer cans up before the others arrived at home. Later that night, mom confronted me and asked if I wouldn't tell the others and alert them of papa's problem. I kept my promise. I always did when it came to my mom. However, since that day I've been more aware of the chaos that my dad could bring and the fragility of his happiness due to his drinking.

"Hey beautiful!" Papa greeted my mother, who was still in the kitchen preparing dinner. He eased up behind her and held her while they swayed side to side for a bit. It wasn't long before he pulled away and started walking towards me. My heart started racing, I honestly wasn't sure if he knew or not and didn't know what the next few moments would entail.

"And you! How are you doing? Are you feeling better?" Papa asked, now aiming his questions at me. He placed the back of his hand on my forehead and then to my cheeks attempting to assess my temperature.

I wasn't too sure what to say. Then I looked over to my mother and saw her head shaking in a "no" fashion. That told me all that I needed to know. This was neither the time nor the place to start this conversation.

"I'm doing fine papa. It was just had a bit of unbearable cramping. I think I will be fine by tomorrow." I gave a bleak smile hoping that he wouldn't catch me in this awful lie.

"You sure?" He questioned while I nodded yes. "Ok, as long as my baby girl is alright." Then he too, gave me a quick kiss on my forehead and went to his room to change clothes.

The rest of the evening seemed pretty normal and ordinary despite the morning's events. We sat around the table and ate dinner, each retelling the stories of our days to our parents. Then we all took turns bathing and soon headed to our rooms and fell asleep.

* * *

It was early the next morning when I awoke to low the rumblings of an intense argument coming from my parent's room. I knew in the pit of my stomach that my mother finally told papa about my condition and from the sounds of it, he was nowhere near of accepting it.

I quietly got out the bed, not wanting to wake Rosario and Sara from their slumber, and headed down the hall. Before reaching my parents room, I glanced over to the open door of Victor's room. In his room, a soft light illuminated. It had been quite a while since Victor needed to use a night-light to go to sleep. It wasn't until I heard soft noises that I realized Victor was up, so I headed his way. I peeked into his room and saw that he was crying.

"Vick? What's wrong little one?" I took him into my arms and tried to get him to stop crying but to no avail.

"Mami and papi are mad at each other? Are they going to break up? It sounds really bad?" I didn't want to freak him out and tell him that this was all because of me. In all honesty, I think in that moment I didn't want to freak my own self out. I knew that things were going to drastically change, and it seemed as though they were going to change for the worst…at least for now.

"Sshhhhh Vick. They're not going to break-up. They love each other too much. " Although Victor was still crying, I took his head into my hands and made a promise. "Look, here's what I'll do. I'm going to go make sure everything is ok to reassure you that nothing will happen to them. Does that sound like a plan?"

Victor started crying again. It was times like these were he looked like a inconsolable tiny crying infant, and it broke my heart every time. I tried my best to further reassure him that everything was going to be all right and tucked him to bed. It took another couple of minutes to get him into a state where I could walk away. I had to promise that I would come back and check on him before I went back to bed.

As I got to the door of my parents room, I could hear the obscenities that my father was calling me. It wasn't too far from everything my mother said to me not too long ago. Suddenly fear had engulfed all my senses. The doorknob quickly turned and before I knew it my dad was in front of me. He too was shocked, not realizing that any of his children were up let alone the one child who had been the topic of intense conversation.

My body hummed with adrenaline as I saw my father like I've never seen him before. His eyes were burning with anger with no hint of disappointment or any other emotion for that matter - just pure anger. I think that's what scared me the most, the fact that he lacked any other sympathetic emotion at the time. It clarified that truly, the worst had yet to come.

Suddenly I felt a sharp pain as my dad grabbed both my arms.

"Why did you do this to yourself, huh? You spread your legs often?" The intensity in his voice immediately allowed the floodgates of tears to start pouring down my face. "I'm so ashamed of you!"

The evidence of beer lingered within his breath and the cans of alcohol were now becoming visible in the background.

"Antonio! Stop, you're hurting her!" Mama pleaded as she ran from their room and grasped papa's arm with as much force as she could.

"No! She thinks, after all we've been through…all we've sacrificed for our kids, that we did that so she could lay up with whoever and get pregnant! Adriana, I won't have this in my house!" At this point, Papa's voice had become loud enough to wake the others causing them to spill into the hallway.

"Please Antonio, the kids are watching!" Mama was now begging for Papa to let me go while taking note of the new audience that had just emerged.

Papa still had me in a tight hold and then released me as he threw me to the ground.

"You will not live in my house with that inside of you!" he said while furiously pointing at my stomach. "Tomorrow you will get rid of it!"

In that moment an array of feelings washed over me. I knew my original plan was to get an abortion. In fact, yesterday morn I would've said my whole future was based on getting an abortion and moving on with life. But now, after hearing how someone could so easily make a drastic decision about my body without any regards to how I felt about it, it seemed…for lack of better words, wrong. I no longer desired to have an abortion out of sole defiance of my father. I knew, even at that time, that making such a huge life changing decision just to defy someone maybe wasn't the smartest thing to do. However, at that point no one could have said anything to me to make me feel any different.

"No Antonio." Mama's words were a bit soft yet had intensity to them. "You will not force her to carry-out another sin. Abortion is a sin!"

"Do you understand that I don't care?" Again, Papa's voice was becoming louder and filled with more anger at the sight of his wife disregarding his decision. "She. Will. Not. Live here in this condition! Do you hear me!" His last statement had so much boom behind it that it caused everyone to jump. Victor could no longer take it. He ran into his room and crouched down into a corner with his hands over his ears.

"Stop it, please." It was the smallest of voices coming from Rosario. She never spoke out against my parents. Ever. So it was a bit surprising that she found her voice in this moment. It also led me to realize the intensity of the situation for her to speak up.

"Go to your room now! Don't make me come over there!" Papa shouted turning his anger at her.

"Don't speak to them like that Antonio. They didn't do anything." I could sense mama was becoming more ok with speaking out at him. Still, it didn't bode well for her. For every time she spoke against him his anger grew exponentially.

Papa walked directly to mama's face. I honestly thought I was about to witness him hitting her but that wasn't the case. His voice evened out as the bass rose within his speech.

"Adriana. Don't push me. Not today. Our daughter has just revealed that she's pregnant. You didn't even have the courtesy to even tell me until we went to bed. You want her to keep the baby—"

"No, I don't want her to keep the baby!" She cut him off. "There are always other options like adoption. I want her to finish school and make a good life for herself. I don't think that'll happen with this baby in the picture. But she can't go forth with killing this baby inside of her. It's against God's will!"

Hearing my mother's expressions about my baby hit me hard. I knew abortion would be out of the equation for her because of her religion. Yet, she still wanted me to give up my child. During the time when she was consoling me, we didn't get the chance to talk about what would happen next in regards to the pregnancy. I guess I assumed that I would have an option of some sort, at least with my mother. I thought that maybe mama would at least try and to talk everything out about my possible choices. Never did I think she would see to it that the decision is made for me.

"I don't want to give up the baby." I said, barely in a whisper. Both my parents kept arguing, probably not even hearing what I had said. "I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP THE BABY!" I managed to yell out again.

My statement stopped everyone to complete silence. Rosario and Sara's eyes grew like I've never seen them grow. Mama and papa looked at me with such bewilderment that for a second I questioned my own declaration. Then I found the courage to continue my thoughts.

"I don't want to give up this baby and I don't want to have an abortion. I'm going to do what it takes to take care of him/her myself. I haven't told Nicky yet but, when I do, I'm sure he'll do the right thing to help me out. He's not the type to leave me in a bad situation like this." After saying those few words I exhaled a small breath. I felt a bit of triumph in speaking my mind and making the ultimate decision about my life.

"Mija, you're only beginning high school. How are going to finish your studies?" Mama tried to reason.

"I'll find a way. I know I can do this. It would be great if you two can be there to help but if not I will do it on my own." Ironically, the more I spoke the less confident I felt with my choice, but my decision luckily didn't waver.

Papa shifted and began walking towards me with his hands balled into a fist. With his long legs, it had only taken him about 3 steps to tower over me, eyes again filled with indignation like nothing I had ever seen before. I was still on the ground where he had thrown me earlier not daring to get up since.

Suddenly a loud bang came from above. Then a sharp pain sprang across my face. One second I was on the ground and the next I was being shoved and pulled down the hallway towards my room. As I was being dragged, I could see where papa had punched the wall before slapping me across the face.

When we reached the room, he threw me against the dresser drawer. Tears were falling endlessly and everyone else, including Vick, was yelling for papa to stop hurting me. All the cries fell on deaf ears because papa simply continued on.

"Empty yours!" He ordered. "Take all your shit and leave my house! You are no longer welcomed here. "

I was initially stunned by his words. Never in a million years did I think I was going to be thrown out the house with nowhere to go. Never.

It took another slap and mama's persisting pleas to my father for me to snap back to the present. I felt emotionally worn and instantly physically exhausted. I realized the taste of blood from my split lip quickly absorbed itself with my taste buds and was no longer foreign to me. My hair was tussled and my nightgown started tearing in places, which made my appearance slowly become indecent.

"Adriana, back the hell away from me. If you know any better you will let me take care of this!"

"Antonio, please. I can send her Tia's house. We don't have to do this!" Mama was using all she could to persuade my father from what now seemed to be the inevitable.

Without warning, he started empting out all the drawers he believed were mine and walked towards the front door. When he reached the door he unlocked and opened it and threw the first pile of clothes on the front lawn.

My heart sunk. This was actually happening. My dad really wanted me out of his life. I got up as fast as I could to try and make a shield for my stuff in hopes to talk him out of doing this.

"Papa, please don't do this. I'll do whatever you want!" I yelled.

"Then allow us to make the appointment tomorrow." He said matter of factly.

I couldn't anymore. All my original feelings about the abortion had left me since my dad ordered me to have one. I didn't even have the slightest inkling to give up the baby after birth. I knew that if I went through with a full term pregnancy that I would be very much attached to the baby and it would almost feel worst to give him/her up after delivery. In this moment truly felt defeated.

I stepped away from the dresser and just sat on my bed as I allowed my father to take the things that I loved and toss them out like trash. All the while, mama walked back and forth trying to get him to reconsider.

Rosario, Sara and Vick all sat alongside the bed with me crying. Sara cried the hardest. She was the one who was going to feel my absence the most. We were two peas in a pod and again the closest out of the bunch. However, it didn't deter my sorrows because I knew I would miss Rosario and Vick all the same. This was my family; the closest people in my life and the only ones who _really_ knew me and who didn't judge me.

It had been several minutes since my dad started throwing my things out. He went from my clothes and now moved on to anything that reminded him of me. This included any pictures of just me, any father's day, birthday and any other gift I had ever given. He was truly trying to eradicate me from his life and for some reason it was still hard to believe. I figured that after awhile his anger would subside and he would come back to his senses. He would realize that he was trying to get rid of his first born without any care. He would realize how much he loved me and ultimately couldn't go through with this act. Maybe he wouldn't help me return my items to where they had belonged, but in the end he wouldn't abandon me.

Again, I was pulled back to reality when I was once again being dragged down the hall, this time towards the front door.

"Daddy! Papa, no! Please don't!" I screamed, realizing that this was my last chance to try and convince him against his actions.

Unspoken, my father kept dragging me towards the door. Rug burns were becoming evident as my nightgown continually rose up.

"Please. Please, please, please daddy." I whispered, all the renewed fight and pleading slowly leaving my body once again. My voice was growing similar to that of a small child who wanted their parents to sooth them from all the heartache of the world.

At this point, I didn't even remember my mother fighting for me anymore. Didn't see her struggling to save her daughter nor did I see the fight within my siblings to help. As I was yanked closer to the door, I honestly don't remember anyone. That's when I knew. This was going to be the first of many days that I had to learn to be by myself. It was one of the first days that I truly understood that the only person I could count on was me and that had to be enough…


End file.
